Finding Empowerment in Navigating Difficult Emotions
What happens when you are having a tough time, when you're experiencing difficult emotions?
Here I'd like to talk through two of our conditioned patterns and then offer two beneficial ways to respond to ourselves during those challenging times.
For most of us, our automatic response is to go to one extreme or the other. When feeling upset or distressed, we may do what Peme Chödrön calls “kicking the wheel," keeping the momentum of negativity going. We do this in all kinds of ways—rumination, venting, adding a story, personalizing—all things that amplify and prolong the negative experience. That’s one extreme.
On the other end, when we’re feeling rough, we will often seek to get away from the emotions that are arising. Of course we do this—these emotions are scary and uncomfortable! So we distract ourselves with our favorite things—television, looking at our phones, numbing or soothing ourselves with food or a substance or shopping—activities that distract or offer a little temporary lift.
Another thing we often do to get away from difficult emotions is use our logical mind to try to talk ourselves out of the feeling: “Hey, you don’t really need to be feeling this way! You're making a big deal about nothing! At least it wasn’t as bad as such and such… you should really be grateful because a lot of people have it worse than you…” Whatever the words, this can be a means to try to escape from an emotional experience that we’d rather not be in.
So there’s “escape it” and then there’s “wallow in it and and amplify it,” both of which are very normal and easy to do… but neither of which help us in the long run.
What does help?
I’d like to offer two other options that are useful in tandem, with care and discernment. Essentially, what helps is being with and then inviting a shift.
Being with…
We acknowledge: “I’m having this experience.”
We allow it: “Yes, even though I may not like it, it is what is happening right now.”
We investigate, tuning inward with curiosity to explore: “What am I feeling? What is this all about? What does this feel like in my body?”
We offer care to ourselves. “I see myself suffering here and I would rather not feel this way. I wouldn’t choose this experience that is so difficult, and I care that I am having a tough time.” We offer ourselves something that would be sweet and nourishing, like a call with a supportive loved one or a nap.
Last year, with Quest for Eternal Sunshine, we created a robust resource on embracing emotions, and I invite you to visit it for learning and practice in being with.
And now I’d like to offer one more possibility: Inviting a shift. This is where we realize that we actually have a responsibility to ourselves, and a surprising amount of agency. Yes, things happen to us that we may not like. Yes, we experience all sorts of emotions, some of which are uncomfortable. AND most of us have quite a lot of choice in how we respond to our internal states.
How we choose to respond can have a huge impact on how long we stay in a difficult state of being.
Example 1:
Let’s say you’re feeling upset and you feel your breath start to become faster, along with tension in your body. One of the things you can choose is to slow down your breath. You might try the Letting-Go Breath, a type of breathing that’s designed to work with your nervous system to help bring you back to a calmer, more relaxed state. If you took one minute to do this, it could halt and reverse the amping up of emotional upheaval, and begin to settle your mind and body. Imagine this result versus making the choice to spend that minute stewing over a story...
Example 2:
Let’s say you wake up feeling really irritable. You can kind of muscle your way through it, grouching all the way… that’s certainly an option. Or, while you’re making breakfast or driving to work, you could choose to put on your favorite song. Maybe you don’t want to, but you could just do it. And then what happens? It’s pretty hard to listen to your favorite song and keep your brow furrowed and your teeth clenched.
Example 3:
Let’s say you’re feeling jittery and unsettled. Sure, you could pick up your phone and scroll for a bit. How would you feel then? What would happen if you did some simple qigong movements instead? What if you took a few minutes to feel your feet on the ground, sense the ground holding you and supporting you… and then moved your arms in a slow rhythmic way in pace with your breath? If you’ve never done that before, you don’t know what will happen. It’s certainly worth the time it takes to try the experiment. (You can try a short calming qigong practice here.)
These are just a couple of examples, and there are many, many other simple and powerful ways to invite a shift in our inner state using our mind and body, including visualization, breath, posture, and movement.
This is something that I feel excited about because of the empowerment it implies, and the possibility for positive change. I feel excited about the choices that are always available, waiting for us. I feel excited about how accessible these choices are, in just little time, for no cost, using the tools that we always have inside us.
I also feel excited that I’m going to be offering a free workshop to learn and practice strategies for Mind-Body Alchemy together with Quest for Eternal Sunshine. I hope you’ll join us! Even if you’re not able to be there next Saturday, January 18 at 10:00 am Pacific, you can still sign up to receive a recording of the workshop. I look forward to seeing you there, and I wish you well in being aware of the moments when you have the power to choose.
🌼 Katie