Ways to Rest
Perhaps you read my previous post on rest. And depending on your current relationship to rest, it may have affirmed you or inspired you, it may have annoyed you, or even had you feeling sad and unsure of where to start.
As I looked back through my journals from the last couple of years, I can see that cultivating a more restful way of being has been in my consciousness for a long time. And I’ve zoomed in on rest and obstacles to rest intentionally for at least a year or two now. REST was one of my words-of-the-year for 2019 and 2020.
Why does it take so long?
Because I am shifting attitudes, beliefs, and ways of being that are very ingrained. These did not start with me — there are generations of conditioning behind them.
Much of what I offer below is taken directly from my journals. The topic of Rest pops up again and again, and I see myself wrestle with it, dialogue with myself about it, claim my own new beliefs, and wrestle some more.
Here is what I wrote on my last birthday: “Is it normal to take your birthday off? Even when I already got to do nice things this weekend? Maybe it’s exorbitant and over the top, or maybe I have so much work that it’s foolish to take a day off.”
Here is what I wrote this October, when I took a retreat at home, a 5-day break from work and social media: “Various times, it was a little rough today. Just that withdrawal, the not knowing what to do, feeling uncomfortably aimless. Guess what? This is a symptom, not a problem. My difficulty with slow, still, non-technology-connected-ness doesn’t mean that this time is worthless— it means that I really need to stick with it. I really need what this time has to offer.”
Two days later: “A return to the ‘this is useless’ feeling. A reminder that I have NO IDEA what use or benefit this retreat is bringing or will bring to myself or others. There is so much more than can be felt or understood in the moment that it’s occurring. So let it be. Let it be a mystery.”
One day later: “My work is much less about telling or convincing anyone else and much, much more about resting in my sacred self, trusting that, yes, I am kind, I am of service, and yes, I have the right to serve myself as well.”
A week later: “Sometimes it seems that the whole world conspires not to let me rest. There is always an invitation to do, to respond, to be at another’s call. I seem to wait for the scraps at the edges, but there are never enough scraps to satisfy. I am learning not to sit back and hope rest will happen. I’m learning when and how to SAY what I’m doing: This is what I need. Making time for dreaming, planning, strategy, deep thought, deep work, reflection. These important things need more than scraps. It is a difficult responsibility to be a guardian of my rest and peace.”
I’m copying all of this here to say: if this feels tough, you are not alone. So, what I offer here are not instructions toward “rest perfection” (ha ha!) but ideas, things that I have learned or begun to learn about rest and how to edge toward it. It probably won’t be a surprise that this topic of REST is also entangled with boundaries and self-compassion… it’s all connected.
Ways to Rest
Step 1: Build a Habit of Noticing
Any change, any response, any growth is built on a foundation of noticing, which you could also call awareness, presence, or mindfulness. Notice what is occurring with curiosity, patience, and kindness. Imagine you are a scientist: your job is to observe without judgement or fixing. Start here.
Notice the habit of hurrying. Do you hurry even when there is plenty of time? Do you try not to be even five minutes late even when there is no reason to care at all?
Notice the urge to “check.” Check email, check social media, check in with what others are doing. Here is a cycle, a trap, an endless loop: Anxiety grows, I check something, anxiety quiets… anxiety grows. And so on.
Notice where you do and do not have the ability to choose. For example, I can’t decide who emails me and when. I CAN decide if and when I read my email. I can decide if and when to respond.
Notice when your body is tired, when your mind is tired, when your spirit is tired. Feel what it feels like and look back to see the ingredients of tiredness. What created this state? (Maybe you don’t know or there is not big reason, and that’s ok.)
Notice when you feel good, like that was the perfect day — look at the ingredients of feeling blissful. Notice when you feel rested.
Step 2: Choose differently! Try something new and notice that.
As you begin to try something different, have the idea that you’re just playing with it. This is an experiment, and you get to just see what it’s like to try new ways. Start small. There is no magic bullet or cure to manage work differently— just gradually changing our habits and mindset, little by little, giving up habits that are based in anxiety and fear.
You can think of this in terms of addiction. “Just check your email! Then you can relax!” Surf the urge and let it be. The craving is there, and freedom is on the other side. For your noticing, see if you can make a small change here and there in favor of rest and restfulness.
Some ideas…
Take a real lunch break. Just eat.
If you walk or bike, try not having a destination. Wander.
Put a 15-minute nap on your calendar and do it as if it were crucial. (Maybe it is crucial!)
Take time to make yourself cozy. I am writing this in winter, and going upstairs to get cozy socks sounds like a waste of time… I can just deal with cold feet. But cold is not restful, uncomfortable is not restful.
Feel the urge toward efficiency, when you want to fill up every minute with something that “counts.” Try using the little gaps in a different way, taking breaths, sitting still. This counts, too.
Feel the urge to fill space, time, and senses… and intentionally leave it empty. Some examples: if you listen to the news in the car, try turning it off and just driving. If you listen to podcasts while you walk or cook, try turning them off or substituting wordless music. Empty spaces let the mind wander and dream. Absence of other voices lets you hear your inner voice.
Delete social media apps (even one!) from your phone. You can get them back when you want them. You could even delete the apps every weekend or whenever it suits you. You can also go into your device settings and block certain websites to help you build different habits.
Embrace crafts and creativity: do something for the fun of it, not for completion or to make something “good.”
Create your own mantra or affirmation. For my retreat, mine was, “Go slow or not at all.”
Ask yourself if there is actually a need to hurry. Stop hurrying. Consciously slow yourself. Walk slowly. Move the way you imagine a ballet dancer would move. Do your work as if each task will be completed in exactly the time that it naturally takes. Cook dinner not caring what time you will eat it. Move at the pace of life.
Move your body and sense your body. Building connection and communication with your body will attune you to its rhythms and messages, so you can feel when you need to go easy. Your body is your detection system, and the idea is to learn to hear and respond to its alarm systems more quickly.
When you notice tiredness or exhaustion or burnout beginning, set a limit: no more meetings, no more new tasks this week. Decide that nothing else can be squeezed in… that maybe squeezing in is not going to be your modus operandi.
When you’re working, schedule breaks. Set a timer and put it across the room so that you will have to get up to silence it. While you’re up… take a break.
Step 3: Expect it to feel weird.
Why wouldn’t it feel weird to buck against things that you have been told and that you thought you knew? If you believed (even unconsciously) that your worth was found in productivity, busyness, and hustle, why wouldn’t it feel just wrong to stop hurrying or to take a nap? Why wouldn’t you notice a feeling of worthlessness?
The thing is to notice it and to call it what it is: discomfort that is part of growth and change.
Step 4: Remind Yourself. Give airtime to this new voice.
Remember when I wrote, “Is it normal to take your birthday off?” Even in that very moment, I recognized that I was getting caught up in anxiety-disguised-as-logic. The was a question of should, wondering about what other people do, what emails might come in… What I did in that moment was continue to write, as an intentional re-boot. I noted my questioning, worrying thoughts and THEN I wrote what the other, newer voice knows:
I am creating and living my own journey, no one else’s. I am letting go of real and imagined expectations. All this anticipation of other people’s responses is really just my response to myself, in disguise. I am the one who puts judgement on my own decisions.
I am cultivating trust, knowing that all is well, that there is no great hammer waiting to fall on me, that it is ok and wonderful to live a life that I love.
Rest and downshifting are part of my plan, part of my needs, part of the recipe of my life — as much as work, as much as exercise. Rest is necessary for my care, necessary to fuel the work that I do. Rest is not optional.
I need time in nature as I need clean water.
I believe in the power of rest. It is a growing edge for me to be comfortable with resting and disconnecting, and I will never ever get more comfortable with it unless I push the boundaries.
I believe that our current culture is too dominated by technology, and that I’m better off spending time disconnected from tech. I am also often deeply uncomfortable when I am disconnected from tech, and this is a sign of growth, to be with discomfort and grow my ability to step away from technology.
It is often really uncomfortable and feels wrong to challenge cultural and personal norms. Do it anyway. Be who you want to be. What do I want? I want to rest, to luxuriate in free time, to let myself be at ease, without shoulds.
When I write these things, I am trying on new beliefs, claiming them for my own. I am giving these words airtime because they deserve it. Little by little, they will grow and root inside of me. Saying and writing these things shifts the balance from all of the other voices roaming in my brain.
Step 5: Get support. Hear other voices.
You don’t have to do this all alone. If you don’t like the things you’ve been told, seek out other voices and change the balance of information that you are receiving.
Social media is a big bringer of messages. If you use social media, you have the right (the responsibility?) to be intentional about the messages that it is bringing you. You can unfollow any account on social media whose main message is “Hustle, work harder, be more successful!” You can unfollow any account on social media if you notice that after you read their posts you find yourself feeling anxious, scared, or bad about who you are. You can follow more therapists, authors, and others who invite you to come home to your true self. Some folks that I’d recommend: @thenapministry, @jaiyajohn, @morganharpernichols, @mindfulmagazine, @mantramagazine, @insighttimer @lisaolivertherapy, @the.holistic.psychotherapist
Take in the voices of creators, artists, poets. Sit for a few minutes with a song from Garth Stevenson (my favorite is Southern Sea).
My favorite instructions on rest come from poet John O’Donohue, who wrote a beautiful poem about resting, For One Who is Exhausted, A Blessing. Poetry can’t be taken in very well in a hurried way, so sit down with it. Read this poem (or other favorites) slowly a few times. Just sit with his words and feel them become part of your understanding of the world and of yourself.
One of O’Donohue’s instructions is, “Stay clear of those vexed in spirit. / Learn to linger around someone of ease / Who feels they have all the time in the world.” This is because we humans tend to shape ourselves little by little to match those we spend time with. Conformity helps us feel like we belong, and we can help ourselves by being intentional about who we are gathering with. Cozy up to folks who are on the right page when it comes to rest. We have a wonderful and supportive group who share and work together, Flourish & Bloom Collective— joining a group like this can help you to commit to learning and growing. Seek input from folks who value rest, because this will make you feel less alone, less strange, less unsure about this new way of being.
In closing
Here’s the last thing I want to say: This WORKS. When I say it’s been in my mind for years and I’ve been consciously working on these steps for two years or more, it’s not because I’m running up against a brick wall, it’s because it just takes a long time to create real change! I’ve probably taken more naps this year than in my teens, 20s and 30s combined. I take more breaks, short ones in the day and longer ones. I’m on social media less. I’m more playful. I write more poems, make more music, get in the ocean, lie on the grass. I feel more like myself, and I like myself more. All this rest has not made me lazier or less willing to work hard when it is time for working hard.
You know what else? I am kinder than before, I think. Because how can I be kinder to myself without starting to be kinder to everyone else? I am less of a pain to be around because I am not so rigid and fearful. I also celebrate other people when they rest. If I notice that my anxiety, planning, and expectations are causing another person to feel stressed or hurried, I am more likely to back off and support their restfulness.
I am not bragging here or feigning perfection; I am noticing, with gratitude, that focusing on rest has only made me happier and more well. Anything I’ve lost is something I didn’t want anyway.
I’m wishing you rest.
