What Does it mean to Show Up for Yourself?
July, our first month in Flourish & Bloom Collective, has us exploring, “Showing Up for Yourself.” What does it mean to show up for yourself? I can offer here my imperfect, still-in-formation thoughts. When I begin to unpack for myself what I mean, certain phrases come to mind…
Not Abandoning Myself
It’s a little hard to write about this, because “abandon” feels like one of the saddest words, and while being abandoned by someone else is incredibly painful, being abandoned by our own selves is… well, kind of the last straw. And yet, almost everything we do is a coping mechanism that has worked at some point in the past, even abandoning ourselves.
Some of us learned as tiny kids that abandoning ourselves was the safest thing — safer than disappointing, angering, or bothering someone else with our needs and wishes. Some of us learned this so deeply that we often don’t even recognize it as a choice: to abandon or to show up for ourselves.
In a conversation, you might tentatively share an idea, and when there is a little disagreement, back away completely. (“You’re right.”)
On a Saturday, you have something that you plan to do, something fun or meaningful just for you. And when time gets short or someone else asks you to schedule away that time for their purposes, it’s an easy, “Sure, no problem.” (“I can do my thing some other time.”)
Note that I’m not talking about intentional service to others, times when we consider and decide to offer our time or energy in service of those we love. I’m talking about giving way out of habit.
These little moves often come so easily that we barely notice them… but when repeated over time, the effect is to chip away at our sense of self, at our perceived worth.
Showing up for myself means not automatically abandoning myself and my needs and wants. Often it means taking time to first figure out: What actually are my wants and needs right now?
And then committing to speaking these needs and wants, to spending time in service of these needs and wants. And most of all, committing to working with how this change of habits can be difficult, can bring in guilt, shame, or a sense of danger.
“Do I dare disturb the universe?”
- T.S. Eliot
Being on My Side
The opposite of abandoning myself is being my friend, my ally, my advocate. Being on my side. If I am not on my side, who will be? If I don’t speak for Katie, who is going to?
And here, I anticipate some pushback, or a bit of “devil’s advocate.” (I probably expect this because I hear it in my own head!) “But I can’t just be on my own side! I have friends, kids, a partner! It’s not ‘my way or the highway!’ That won’t work! This sounds self-centered! What about connection, collaboration, cooperation?”
If you are sensing this internal pushback, let yourself examine it. Is there some fear that showing up for yourself will “get out of control?” Is there an assumption that other people’s needs are valid and yours are over-the-top? Is anything having to do with “you” and “yourself” feeling off-limits for you? This pushback can be a gift to invite more reflection.
We are social beings, certainly, living in an interconnected world. We need each other and love each other dearly. Chances are, we show up every day for our friends, family, and co-workers with little kindnesses, listening, advocating, helping them out. This is true. AND let’s not leave someone (you!) out of this equation. You can be on your side, too.
Another Angle: Not being my own “bad boss”
When I think of a bad boss, I think of someone who is authoritarian, who passes down rules and expectations from on high, who is out of touch with the “on the ground” experience of employees. A bad boss wants you to work all the time, gives you the side-eye when you take a break, offers way more critiques than compliments, cares more about deadlines than the time actually needed to complete the project well, is all about results and outcomes, and if you or someone else breaks down along the way, well… you should’ve been stronger, you should be made of better stock.
We hate this boss, right?! And yet… are we this boss sometimes for our own selves? Making rules and then obliging ourselves to follow them even if they no longer apply? Sensing that we need to take a break or do something differently, but not allowing that “waste of time?”
It’s worth thinking about your own “company culture,” your own “best boss” — wise, flexible, understanding, trusting. For me, showing up for myself means recognizing when I am being my own shitty boss, and then unionizing and fighting for workers rights! For me, this is a big deal because I work on my own, without another boss other than myself. I think the same concept applies, whether you are doing a traditional “job” or not, and even if you do have another boss! Your real boss is you.
What does it look like?
So what does it look like to show up for yourself? How do you actually do it?
Start Internally
Start right here at home, in your own body, mind, and heart. Show up for yourself by being present with what is happening internally for you: body sensations, emotions, and thoughts. If you are used to ignoring these signals, they will seem quiet and fleeting at first. The more you pay attention, the more messages you will “hear.”
When you notice something interesting occurring (like a tightening in the belly, a feeling of resentment), see if you can pause with it and allow it, rather than ignoring, dismissing, or judging what’s happening. Investigate. Imagine that you have lightly caught this internal sensation like a butterfly in your net of awareness. Hi there, butterfly! I’m glad I caught you. Let me look at your colors before releasing you.
This is the first step, the first area of practice: within your own self.
Move to behavior and actions
The next step is in external behavior and actions. When you are aware of what’s happening internally, you have more information. You can then decide to act on this information. For example: I feel resentment. I notice this, allow it, and examine it. Where is this coming from? Maybe I said yes, but I wish I would’ve said no, and now I feel put-upon.
I can now choose. In this moment, perhaps showing up for myself is just this: realizing that a “yes” was not in congruence with my true feelings. Maybe I commit to pausing more intentionally before saying yes or no in the future. Or maybe I decide to go right back to that person now and tell them, “Hey, I’m sorry! I said yes, but now I realize that won’t work for me. I’m going to need to decline. Thanks for understanding.” With attention, I can discern my needs and wants. With actions, I can find ways to honor my needs and wants.
What gets in the way?
At first what gets in the way is being unaware. And once we become aware, I think what gets in the way is mostly habits. Old habits, old conditioning, falsehoods that we have absorbed somewhere along the way. Confusion.
For me, these are the top contenders for “why I couldn’t possibly show up for myself right now.”
Confusion 1: The myth of people pleasing. Thinking my worth is in showing up for others; thinking that my goodness comes from being pleasing to others. (Thinking that it is even possible to know, anticipate, and meet everyone else’s needs!)
Confusion 2: The myth of selfishness. Forgetting that I can only show up for others fully and willingly when I am receiving a base level of nourishment.
Confusion 3: The myth of superficial self-care. Mistaking “treating myself” with showing up for myself. It takes discernment to know what is “good for you” and what would feel good… and if these are different, which one to choose!
Confusion 4: The habit of de-prioritizing. What happens when something has to give, when I don’t have enough time or energy for everything? Is it the default to always give up the thing that matters only to me?
Stories like: People will be mad. I’m bad if I do it. If I start paying attention to me, I’ll quickly slide over into bonbons-and-soap-operas-forever territory. I don’t have enough time for the “luxury.”
What helps here is to remind myself to turn around these confused habits of thinking:
I must please everyone. → I am part of “everyone.” If I am not pleased, well, that’s not everyone!
I’m bad if I do it. → Showing up for myself actually allows me to be more present to others.
If I begin, I’ll take it too far and be lazy and decadent. → Is that actually true? Would I ride the pendulum all the way to the furthest edge? I doubt it. Let’s see.
This is a luxury, and I don’t have time for it. → Look at short-term vs. long-term. Do I have time to burn out and then recover? Do I have time to get depressed or sick? Maybe I don’t have time NOT to show up for myself.
Why is it important to show up for yourself?
Because you matter. You are a person on this earth, living (maybe?) your one and only life. You, just like all beings everywhere, want to be happy, fulfilled, and fully alive. Showing up for yourself is foundational to this important work. As a human being on this earth, you deserve to be nourished and supported, most of all by YOU.
You may feel that you can get by without showing up for yourself. And yes, that is technically true. You can get by. You can survive, you can languish. But you want much more than this. You want to thrive and flourish — to live as the full and beautiful blossoming of you.
What’s more, in order to show up for others in service, joyfully and authentically, you’ll need to be nourished. We can’t pour from an empty cup, after all. If we try to be of service out of self-sacrifice, it isn’t sustainable. We burn out. No one is served by our burning out, not in the long-term.
Listen to the podcast episode on Showing Up for Yourself: A Conversation with the AMAZING Danette Relic
Showing up for yourself
is a way of celebrating the gifts
of being YOU and being alive.
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