Knowing Who You Are
I didn’t want to write this post.
I put it on my calendar. I moved it to another day. I busied myself with other tasks…
Why? Because the topic, “Knowing Who You Are,” is so BIG that it intimidates me. What about you? Do you feel like you know who you are? Does this feel like too big a question to ask?
Identity is Multifaceted
Another word for “who you are” is identity, and each of us have many identities that intersect and intermingle. We consciously and unconsciously weave together various identities in each moment according to the situation, according to our mood and energy, according to our perceptions of expectations or what is needed...
For example, living in California, it can sometimes feel important that I am a Midwesterner. Usually, though, that particular identity is far from the top of my mind. If you meet me, probably the most obvious identities that you’ll notice is that I’m a white woman, and while I have become very accustomed to seeing the lens that I look through as a woman, it is newer for me to be aware of whiteness, and to unpack how this facet of identity shapes my experience in life.
Some identities we are born into, some we acquire, some we choose. “All of these identities are PART of me…. none of these identities is ALL of me…”
People Change
And if our very multifaceted essence weren’t complex enough, we CHANGE! Constantly. This is the nature of things: things change, all things, all the time. And so day by day, year by year, through circumstances, choices, learning, growth, pain, “who I am” changes. “I am an aunt. I am a meditator. I am a learner. I am a teacher. I am a fatherless child.”
The descriptors change, and anytime we buy into, “I’m just like this,” there is a danger of allowing ourselves to get stuck in an old narrative, of freezing into who we think we are, rather than investigating who we are NOW, alive in this moment. What are we choosing, who are we becoming?
So given that we are complex, multifaceted, and ever-changing, then… What does it even mean to know who we are?!
Why should we bother spending time with this messy question?
I’ll offer a few motivations:
1. We Need to Heal
Many of us, most of us, have lived some type of trauma. Facing our past and being with the emotions and scars, allows us to make our way to healing, forging personal meaning out of our journey, and often releasing much of the “negative charge” of the experiences that harmed us. This work of re-visiting and traumatic experiences and being the emotions that arise is usually painful, and it is often very crucial to have professional support and guidance as we face what is so painful.
Knowing who we are means being in touch with our history, culture, and background, accepting the situation that we were born into or that we found ourselves in, and often forgiving ourselves for making choices that harmed us.
The difficult and painful work is meaningful, though! Confronting the past and healing (or beginning to heal) opens us to a new life that is shaped by, but not determined by our loss or trauma. When we are released from what has happened to us, we find more freedom to move in a direction that we choose. What we do with what has happened to us is what creates meaning, growth and healing, and it is what turns us into who we are becoming, who we are creating.
2. We’re Cultivating Acceptance of Ourselves as Imperfect, Beautiful, Growing Beings
Ram Dass wrote:
“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”
I am a big fan of this message, and of the invitation to look at ourselves as trees. It would be ludicrous to tell a tree the “right” way to grow, to cock our head and suggest the most logical or aesthetically pleasing arrangement of limbs. A Tree is its own massive, complex, and wild being. It is doing its own thing and has no need for our commentary. And this is also true of you.
The more we bring compassionate awareness to ourselves just as we are the more we can accept and appreciate this being right here (you). And the more we cultivate self-compassion and acceptance, the more we open to accepting and appreciating all of the other “wild trees” around us doing their own thing. In fact, the more we are in loving relationship with ourselves, the more we open to the possibility of any growth or change that might serve to bring us into more balance, alignment, and authenticity.
3. We’re Ready to Take Responsibility for Who We Are Becoming
A member of Flourish & Bloom Collective recently commented that knowing who we are isn’t only uncovering our identity, but creating it. I do believe that it is both— knowing who we are begins with knowing the person who has landed into this moment, carrying history and DNA within us. And that information is not an endpoint, but a springboard into NOW WHAT?
Who do I want to be?
There are lots of quotes about identity that come to mind:
“We are what we repeatedly do.” - Will Durant, often attributed to Aristotle
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” - Jim Rohn
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” - James Clear
To me, these quotes offer both power and responsibility: our choices have an impact on who we are becoming in each moment. What we do repeatedly actually changes the structure of our brains. The people whom we spend time with influence what we see as normal, and our human need for belonging nudges us toward conformity. All of this is to say that through our many daily choices, we are building our identity.
Begin the Journey
The investigation of “Who Am I” doesn’t end. And within its messiness and complexity are these great rewards:
Healing past wounds.
Learning to love and honor your precious self.
Stepping into a bright future of possibility.
Get Support in Discovering & Creating Yourself!
In Flourish & Bloom Collective, August's topic is "Knowing Who You Are" and we're doing a LOT more than just reading about it. We’re exploring through writing prompts, thoughtful questions, meditation, reflection, and our weekly calls. We’re learning and practicing together. Get in on all the action in this cozy group - start your monthly subscription (stop anytime) and see what it's like to Learn ~ Connect ~ Transform together.