That Time I Dropped an F-Bomb During a Meditation
...or... Authenticity, Self-Compassion,
and the Power of a Supportive Group
At the beginning of the pandemic, when everyone started doing everything on Zoom, there was a lot of talk about “Zoom fails” -- things that people said and did without realizing they were on video.
For me, this happened when we were in the middle of a meditation in one of our weekly Flourish and Bloom Collective calls.
The background: My husband and I were still adjusting to our work-from-home arrangement, sharing the space of our apartment. We were, daily, feeling our way through how to live and work around each other.
So I'm leading the meditation, and when I’m leading meditation, I don’t usually write a script -- I say what comes to me in the moment, so quiet and stillness is what I need in order to focus.
Meanwhile, a package is left at the door. There’s the DING-DONG! of the doorbell, and my husband retrieves the package, and to my surprise, begins to (loudly?) unwrap it.
I begin muting my mic to cover the noise. I’m also trying to let him know that I can't focus, while trying to keep a quiet and calm demeanor. I keep muting my mic to say things to him, and then unmuting to continue leading the meditation, all the while trying to keep my train of thought. (Because I’m hissing through the corner of my mouth, trying to speak without moving my lips like a ventriloquist, he can’t hear me at all.)
Before I know it, I’m so distracted, flustered, and frustrated that I drop an F-bomb. I immediately realize that I’m, of course, unmuted.
😳 😲 🤯
Waves of panic and embarrassment wash through me. Oh my God, what do I do? Do I just end this meditation? Do I run away? What now?!
I have a video of that call, and I finally worked up the courage to watch it today.
What I saw happen at that moment was my shoulders moving as I took deep breaths. My eyes were closed as expressions flickered across my face.
I heard, first, the silence of a mind running in circles and trying to find its way. There was a long moment of silence as I paused. I continued.
Then I heard my words, as the meditation became all about self-compassion, acknowledging that we are, each of us, doing the best that we can. Finding the courage to forgive ourselves and keep walking forward.
That's what I was needing to say, definitely what I was needing to hear. I had made a mistake that felt unbelievably embarrassing to me. Frustration and curse words are, of course, not the way that I want to show up in my teaching… and also I am a human being living through challenging times.
Our reaction to a “very special” meditation.
When we concluded the meditation after the bell, everybody burst out laughing. No one was laughing at me.
Instead, it was so clear that they were feeling with me.
I'm sure they were surprised, but no one judged me in a way that was like, “You're bad,” or “You're alone in this, you're different than me.”
The discussion that arose in that moment was all about authenticity: how we show up and practice self-compassion in our real, everyday lives. We make mistakes, we get embarrassed, we are seen in a way that we didn’t intend to be seen… and then we bravely and tenuously continue on, and there's always a chance for repair.
We shared about seeing each other’s humanity, about accepting and even embracing our shared humanity. There was so much kindness, caring, grace, humor, and realness.
After that call, I felt more connected to each person present, and to the group as a whole. In the midst of my inadvertent vulnerability, I felt held by the group’s acceptance. I felt a sense of safety that felt more durable than before. They had seen me more fully, and they hadn’t walked away.
Almost a year later, as I write this, I’m still humbled and amazed by this experience. It was my most embarrassing moment as a teacher AND it was one of the most touching and connected conversations that this group shared together.
I feel blessed by the group that we created, a container where there is trust and goodwill, a space where we can be ourselves.
Being seen and accepted as we are by others helps us to see and accept ourselves as we are.
And when we are being real and kind with ourselves, this is the perfect fertile ground for growth to take place.
This is what we're creating in Flourish and Bloom Collective -- a cozy online community for mindfulness and personal growth, a place to be welcomed as you are. I hope you’ll join us in August — you can register for 3 months or for the whole 11-month series.
I'm sending you my warm wishes as you courageously show up in your life just as you are,
🌸 Katie
I recorded this video right after that call. Here I share, in real-time, how I work with myself in times of shame and discomfort.
Kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness are the keys to Self-Compassion (see the work of Dr. Kristin Neff), and this is one example of how to practice where it counts: in the middle of our messy lives. 😉
Come learn more about Flourish & Bloom Collective!
Don't be shy — send me an email at hello@katiedutcher.com if you have questions!