Waves of panic and embarrassment wash through me. Oh my God, what do I do? Do I just end this meditation? Do I run away? What now?! I pause for a long moment of silence. I stay with it.
Read MoreWe often think that courage is a huge and dramatic act, performed fearlessly... but that couldn't be further from the truth. In this teaching and meditation, explore: What is courage for you today?
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Years ago, my friend and I had a little debate….
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What would you do with your “moment outside of the time-bound world?” What would you do with your “space of undoing?”
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I have a sense of the types of practices that help me. And yet there are times when I find it really hard to keep consistency. The very times when I MOST need these practices in my life, the times when I am MOST in need of the peace, grounding, and strength that they give me, are the times when it feels like like I have no time or energy to do them. I had the thought that I would like to see what it feels like to live in my optimum state. What would it feel like to be taking care of my mind, body, and spirit in ways that are healthy and beneficial...and sustainable?
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I am drawn to (driven to?) productivity, as many of us are. It comes through our culture, this emphasis on doing, doing, doing. It feels good then, to be productive and to accomplish a lot in a day. It feels gratifying, as if all of this doing means something. If I dig way down deep, achieving seems to mean that I am enough-- good enough, hardworking enough. At the same time, this can feel like a kind of tyranny-- that I MUST accomplish a lot, and if not, it could mean that I failed in some way. But what if I’m tired? What if I’m not feeling well?
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Now I use this as a practice not just of the body, but of the mind and heart. Can I listen to my own body? Can I honor my own strengths, needs, and limitations? With back, shoulder, and knee tenderness, I am always modifying the poses, shortening them, sometimes doing a totally different pose that feels right at the moment.
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I feel sometimes like I have been given a ten-speed again. Opportunities come my way that are justout my my comfort zone, that I need to really stretch to meet. My emotions go all over the place-- gratitude, fear, excitement, anxiety, overwhelm, and then the guilt of feeling negative feelings at all, when clearly opportunities are GOOD!
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Indeed, why not honor our own feelings? Why does it ever occur to us to doubt ourselves and question ourselves as much as we do?
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I heard someone say recently, “Hard is different than bad.” I really love this distinction-- it helps somehow. When I am in a challenging time, sometimes I do a check-in with my needs.
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That swim seems to me like a miniature model of life. Anxiety crescendos and decrescendos; joy alights and then flies away. Grief goes on and on; overtaking me for a time and then lying low. Those anchovies are still out there somewhere in the ocean; sometimes they're all I can see, and sometimes the water is clear. Things come and then they go.
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To see my joy swinging in midair and to simply watch it, to note it and appreciate it, perhaps even appreciate it more for the knowledge that it cannot be held down.
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To ask what I should do next encourages me to use my brain and my judgement to think about what activities are valuable or desirable. But to ask what is required encourages me to be mindful of myself, inside and out. It asks me to scan the state of my mind and body and figure out my actions based on what I need at the moment.
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How can we be kind to ourselves throughout a day of work, treating our bodies with care and compassion?
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Fredrickson gives a map of how to induce the upward spiral in our lives-- by intentionally creating and savoring positive moments, states, activities. I took the general principles that she mentions and brainstormed my own lists-- things I could do in my life to shift the balance just slightly from the negative to the positive. Each week, I would create a set of little goals for myself.
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Our challenge is to notice the moments when we start to feel insecure and shaky, defensive or aggressive, put off balance by something that life has thrown at us. In these moments, can we try to whisper, I am enough instead of What if I can't do this?
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What to do when it's just a down day? It's Sunday. Sundays can be sort of inherently sad. I think for many of us, Sunday represents a difficult mental transition from fun-time to work-time, and it might contain a fair amount of anticipation or dread for the week to come. Sunday afternoon is basically the opposite of Friday afternoon. But, there's something more than that Sunday malaise that I'm feeling right now.
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The purpose of sitting meditation is not just to learn to quiet our minds while sitting, but to increase our capacity for whole-life meditation, living and breathing mindfulness in our regular lives. Have you felt these moments? The glimpses of what it is like to be so "meta"— to be aware that you're aware?
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