Years ago, my friend and I had a little debate….
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What would you do with your “moment outside of the time-bound world?” What would you do with your “space of undoing?”
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What does it mean to show up to your life? For me, it means being present, being here. Aren’t we always here? Well, yes, but sometimes we don’t know we’re here. We’re halfway here, lost in our thoughts, five steps ahead of NOW in worry or preparation. So showing up means that we’re fully here in this moment, paying attention. If you’re like me, you may have learned over time that it isn’t always easy to show up AS YOURSELF. Perhaps it doesn’t always feel safe. Am I enough? Will people approve of me?
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I have a sense of the types of practices that help me. And yet there are times when I find it really hard to keep consistency. The very times when I MOST need these practices in my life, the times when I am MOST in need of the peace, grounding, and strength that they give me, are the times when it feels like like I have no time or energy to do them. I had the thought that I would like to see what it feels like to live in my optimum state. What would it feel like to be taking care of my mind, body, and spirit in ways that are healthy and beneficial...and sustainable?
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I am drawn to (driven to?) productivity, as many of us are. It comes through our culture, this emphasis on doing, doing, doing. It feels good then, to be productive and to accomplish a lot in a day. It feels gratifying, as if all of this doing means something. If I dig way down deep, achieving seems to mean that I am enough-- good enough, hardworking enough. At the same time, this can feel like a kind of tyranny-- that I MUST accomplish a lot, and if not, it could mean that I failed in some way. But what if I’m tired? What if I’m not feeling well?
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Now I use this as a practice not just of the body, but of the mind and heart. Can I listen to my own body? Can I honor my own strengths, needs, and limitations? With back, shoulder, and knee tenderness, I am always modifying the poses, shortening them, sometimes doing a totally different pose that feels right at the moment.
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I feel their love, and I feel the loss of them, as much as I let myself. Trying to let it all in: the loss and the love, the bitter and the sweet. If there is to be healing and growth, it's in being with what is here, and offering compassion to myself.
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I feel sometimes like I have been given a ten-speed again. Opportunities come my way that are justout my my comfort zone, that I need to really stretch to meet. My emotions go all over the place-- gratitude, fear, excitement, anxiety, overwhelm, and then the guilt of feeling negative feelings at all, when clearly opportunities are GOOD!
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Indeed, why not honor our own feelings? Why does it ever occur to us to doubt ourselves and question ourselves as much as we do?
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I heard someone say recently, “Hard is different than bad.” I really love this distinction-- it helps somehow. When I am in a challenging time, sometimes I do a check-in with my needs.
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That swim seems to me like a miniature model of life. Anxiety crescendos and decrescendos; joy alights and then flies away. Grief goes on and on; overtaking me for a time and then lying low. Those anchovies are still out there somewhere in the ocean; sometimes they're all I can see, and sometimes the water is clear. Things come and then they go.
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To see my joy swinging in midair and to simply watch it, to note it and appreciate it, perhaps even appreciate it more for the knowledge that it cannot be held down.
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To ask what I should do next encourages me to use my brain and my judgement to think about what activities are valuable or desirable. But to ask what is required encourages me to be mindful of myself, inside and out. It asks me to scan the state of my mind and body and figure out my actions based on what I need at the moment.
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No, I can’t have that old me back. That’s water under the bridge now. I can create the new Katie in any way I want, but I can’t have the old one back.
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The poem that stood out to me on first reading is “When I Am Among the Trees.” In the poem, Oliver explains so beautifully how her time with trees lets her feel their gladness, lets her hear their voices telling her about a graceful approach to living.
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How can we be kind to ourselves throughout a day of work, treating our bodies with care and compassion?
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“Do you believe there is someplace that will make the soul less thirsty?” Do you believe there is a right and wrong way to do everything? A good and bad?Kabir invites us to come away from that imaginary river, that fantasy goal, and simply rest in the reality of who we are—embrace what is solid and firm.
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“If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, doodle, paint, scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing-- it doesn’t matter. As long as we’re creating, we’re cultivating meaning.” -Brene Brown "The Gifts of Imperfection"
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"Look at a leaf of a flower with mindfulness, listen to the song of a bird, and you will get much more deeply in touch with them. After a minute of this practice, your joy will increase, your breathing will become deeper and more gentle..." -Thich Nhat Hanh
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Fredrickson gives a map of how to induce the upward spiral in our lives-- by intentionally creating and savoring positive moments, states, activities. I took the general principles that she mentions and brainstormed my own lists-- things I could do in my life to shift the balance just slightly from the negative to the positive. Each week, I would create a set of little goals for myself.
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